Dr. Judith’s God Line

I often have the thought that I have no idea what I’m doing.  Not only that but I’m convinced that I can’t figure out how to do whatever it is that I want to do on my own.  And if I attempt to do it, I will become so impossibly confused and frustrated that I will have to give up or go crazy.  This applies to an incredibly wide range of things I need to get done.

Let’s see.  There’s the drawer in my kitchen which has had a broken track for the past six months.  I have to hold it up to get to the drawer below.  There’s the new hammock which remains unused because it needs a bit of chain to lower it so that I can get into it more easily.  There are the three beautiful plaques, one that says “Peace”, another “Hope” and a third that says “Joy,” which are waiting to be hung because I’m afraid that I won’t get the height or spacing right.  Since there’s no one to do these things for me, since it seems insane to call a for handyman to do such trivial things , since I’m too proud to ask a friend for help and I’m convinced that if I try to do any of these things myself, I will definitely screw up, the tasks remain undone.

Then there’s the category of projects I’m afraid to try which involve using the internet and social media for marketing and publicity of my book.  Finding and asking other blog writers to link their blogs to mine, especially this since brings the possibility of rejection, transferring pictures from my Blackberry to my computer so that I can post them on my web site, planning a short marketing presentation about my book for U-Tube, figuring out how to edit clips already filmed on my Flip Video so I can upload them onto U-Tube, or learning where to start doing internet advertising or how to analyze information about who’s visited my web site.

In each of these cases, I want to hire someone to do the job for me or get someone I know to show me how.  Or read a book–you wouldn’t believe how often I buy books from the Idiots or Dummies series and still don’t get it.

This is behavior that my patients, and others, refer to as reflective of low self-esteem.  A lack of confidence.  A feeling of incompetence.  When parents get frustrated with teaching their little boy to do something or when they  become overly concerned  about their sweet girl’s feelings, not wanting her to struggle with trying to master a skill, they might take over and complete the task for the child.   This leaves her with the feeling and belief that she can’t accomplish or learn the thing on her own.  Or when a parent hasn’t got the time or inclination to teach the child new skills, the little boy is left to figure it out on his own, often believing that he can’t get it right, believing it’s right even when it’s wrong or fearful of admitting he doesn’t know how and not willing to ask for help.

In my case, my mother was busy doing things she enjoyed.  She hired others to do her work, whether it was housekeeping, cooking, child rearing, fixing things that were broken or creating things she wanted like the rock  garden in the back yard or the new laundry room off the kitchen. This is what I learned to do–pay for others to do it for me.  I took no responsibility for doing things myself and did only those things which came easily.

It took me many years and some major failures, disappointments and wrong paths to begin to figure out how to live as a responsible adult.  Fortunately, I eventually grew up and learned to be industrious, to have a nice environment, to work for things I wanted.  Before I was able to blossom and mature, I had to acquire a radical willingness to learn from loving, spiritual friends the central importance of knowing God and trusting Him to help me.

When I began this process, things which have become routine in my life were overwhelming.  What behavior is appropriate in any given situation?  Which pair of pants fit and look nice on me? Is that person teasing me because he is being friendly or affectionate or is he being mean?  How do I write that report?  How do I approach that person who might refer patients to me?  What is my taste or style for decorating my living room?   When  I’m interviewing to hire a new secretary, how do I figure out who is the right one to choose?  What is my book going to be about? If I’m overwhelmed by fear, what do I do to overcome it or to get the courage to take action in spite of it?

With the help of God and devoted friends who had the patience to teach me, I learned to suit up and show up for work, take directions from my boss and be a responsible, reliable and trustworthy employee.  Through prayer, I was led to a class with the right teacher to get me started on my book and overcome my terror of an empty piece of paper.  Since then, I’ve come to trust that when I pray first, the right words will come.

I’ve learned that turning to God in prayer will help me find an answer each time I ask or will give me courage to act even when I don’t know the answer.  Relying on God helps me to give myself permission to screw up and then look for a new course of action.

Here is the process I use to learn or try new things which I’m convinced will be too difficult for me:

(1) Ask God for help, direction or inspiration;

(2) Trust that He will give it because He is a good parent and wants me to learn and grow;

(3) Allow myself to make mistakes and to strive for progress, not perfection;

(4)  Keep on trying until I get it; and

(5) Ask others for help if I really get stuck but be willing to try again on my own, asking again for God’s assistance.

Great instructions, aren’t they?  But I have to admit that every single task I listed above is still undone, and I haven’t yet put my own tried and true method to work on my current list of scary projects.

God is a good parent, and He knows when to let us struggle until we learn and when to step in and help us along.  If I try hard and often to learn something new, I’ll not only feel good about myself for trying, but I might actually succeed.  Then I can congratulate myself and my father God for a job well done.

So I’m off to put up the three plaques, “Peace”, “Hope” and “Joy”.  When I’m done, I’ll let you know.

Why don’t you put this theory to the test as well, and then send your comments on how it worked.

Many years ago, when I was young in my spiritual path, I had the idea that if I just loved God enough and followed the directions I was given to improve my daily conscious contact with Him, I would no longer have to go through depression, anxiety, anger or even hard times.  I was horrified when I heard people who had been on a spiritual path for ten or fifteen years talk about struggles with disappointment, hurt, or regret.  I guess I thought that I could rise above human pain, and I would have a smooth ride.  This is what I call the over-the-hill fantasy.  If I can just get over the top of this hill, it will be smooth sailing from here on.  WRONG!

Here I am, thirty plus years later, and I still have bouts with the so-called negative emotions.  The difference is they don’t frighten me anymore.  I get really ragged around the edges, but I know that my core is solid.  I recognize that, whether I take active steps in the middle of the pain or I get caught up in it, thus postponing action, I will not only get past the darkness of the moment, but I will also grow in the process.  Sooner or later, I will have the flood of relief and joy when I can once again have an attitude of gratitude.

I have a friend who says that it is impossible to feel angry and grateful at the same time.  So whenever he begins to  feel frustration and irritability building toward anger, he tries to find something to be grateful for.  This attitude of gratitude changes the negative emotion and frees him to consider more rationally the cause.  This is the optimal choice since it minimizes the time spent in emotional turmoil.  One way or another, if he or you or I are going to benefit from the period of pain and trial, we must take the time to understand its significance and why we reacted as we did.

The last time I wrote, I was deep into the throes of depression, anxiety and irritability.  I felt completely out of control.  Nevertheless, I took time to do some writing, praying, and talking to others so that I could understand what was going on with me.  The official publication date of my new book was rapidly approaching.  However, it seemed anti-climactic since it was somehow already available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.  I began to feel like a pregnant woman who was past due, but no one was willing to induce labor.  I was filled with fear and anxiety about whether the book (my baby) would be well received, whether I was up to carrying off the marketing tasks required without significant help and guidance.  In other words, would the baby be birthed safely ,and after birth, would I be able to carry off its proper care and feeding?  I had hopes and dreams for this child of mine, conceived in the mind of God and seemingly written with His help.  I longed to see this child inspire people  to find God or a Higher Power, reestablish broken relationships with Him or find deeper intimacy with Him.  But I long ago learned how dangerous it is for me to outline for God or get overly attached to my plan.

It was important for me to understand all that was going on with me if I were to find my way out of the darkness into the light.  Understanding came first, followed by acceptance and willingness to let go.  But I could not have truly surrendered without going through this process.  And now, having let go and let God, I am free, full of joy and immensely grateful.

I hope and pray that when you feel burdened, you don’[t blame yourself, feel like you are doing something wrong–not praying enough or being faithful enough, not following your spiritual path the right way.  Emotions are just an invitation to look within and learn, with the help of your Higher Power and friends.  They provide an opportunity to grow and mature and bear much fruit.  So pray for the courage to face the feelings and learn from them.  And you will emerge with an attitude of gratitude that chases all the pain away.

Are your afraid of your emotions?  Do you feel guilty, like you’re failing in faith when you are angry, anxious or down? Please share your stories, comments or questions.

Peace,

Dr. Judith

Just in case I thought I was cured of all my shortcomings, I’ve been reminded of what happens when I fall for the illusion of having control over my life and the outcome of my plans.

Forty days ago, I decided what kind of  lent I was going to have.  Note the I decided. First mistake right there.  Whenever I get into planning and attached to the outcome, I’m bound for Trouble with a capital “T”.

I was going to spend a lot of time with God.  I was going to have two prayer periods each day.  It was going to be centering prayer, and I was going to give God the opportunity to talk to me while I listened.  Big of me, huh?  It was going to be gloriously peaceful and joyous.  And when it was over, I’d be able to tell you how well I’d done, how faithful I’d been and how good I felt about myself keeping this promise to God.

What’s the saying?  Man (or woman) plans and God laughs.

Instead of all that great  and generous tithing of my time to God, my plan fell apart after two or three days.  I was thrown into a tempest of self-will run riot.  And I didn’t settle down into quiet prayer until Palm Sunday–one week before Easter.  And even then, it was hit or miss for the rest of the week, right up to today–Easter Sunday.    So what happened?

I became anxious about the upcoming publication of my book.  I was afraid that no one would read it and no one would benefit from it.  Dire fear of failure overtook me.  Forget the fact that I would never have been able to write it without God’s help.  It’s His book and the outcome is His.  But wait, I also have a great need for attention.  What if I’m interviewed and I have nothing to say or I sound like an idiot?  What if people notice me and expect me to be spiritual and holy all the time?

I became irritable, restless and discontent.  I had trouble sleeping, and when I’m tired, I’m not easy to be around.  I was becoming critical, bossy and judgmental.  I started to feel insecure, unsure of how to do anything right, especially anything new.  I wanted someone to tell me how to use Facebook and Twitter effectively, what to say for U-Tube.  Hold my hand and walk me through.  Feeling so insecure and dependent, I was certain that Hazelden’s marketer and publicist were going to leave me in the dust and not give me the help and attention that I needed.  If they weren’t giving me their time, they’d be giving it to the other authors in the spring line-up.  And one of them did a fabulous U-Tube presentation–intelligent, personable and not a single um or er!  I’d never be able to do as good a job as she did.  Competitiveness got added to the list of old familiar defects.

A hundred forms of self were rearing their ugly heads.  And each time a new one showed up, it brought along one or two others I hadn’t entertained so enthusiastically in a long time.  I don’t know why this should have surprised me.  When I’m stressed, I try to control my life.  God falls by the wayside, and I replace Him with my pitifully defensive ego.  When I’m stressed, I don’t act like Sue or Jane or Joe or Sam.  I act like myself, and the character defects show themselves in ways that are my old ways, not yours.

The solution is always the same.  Put myself and the book God helped me to write in His kind and loving hands.  Surrender.  Remember that I am powerless.  All I can do is the next indicated thing and leave the results to God.

Maybe it was His plan that I spend the lenten season buffeted by the winds of ego so I’d remember that He loves me and has a plan for me.  When I life put Him first, I begin to relax and know that as the mystic Julian of Norwich said, “All will be well. All manner of things will be well.”

Today I put a copy of our book, God: A Relationship Guide at the foot of the cross in my family room.  I am expressing gratitude for all He has done for me and leaving the outcome to Him.  Perhaps my Higher Power isn’t the only one having a resurrection on this Easter Sunday.

He surely knew I was hurting, confused, and sad.   I had asked for His help over and over.  So why did He take so long? He always answers prayers, but often not in our time.

I was listening to a teaching by Thomas Keating on the story of Lazarus.  Jesus’ great friends, Martha and Mary, let Jesus know that their brother Lazurus was VERY ill, and they begged Him to come.  Now we know from scripture that Jesus didn’t need to be present to perform a healing miracle.  He could have just said a quick prayer to His father, and it would have been done.  But instead, He not only didn’t heal Lazarus from afar, he actually didn’t even head to Bethany until four days later, after Lazarus was dead, buried and rotting.  Why even bother?  Lazarus couldn’t be saved, and Bethany had become very unsafe for Jesus.

The obvious answer, according to this teacher, was that Jesus could perform the greater miracle in raising Lazarus from the dead under circumstances that led no room for question.  He was definitely dead!  Also, this dying , being in the tomb for several days and rising is a precursor of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  Now people would know such a thing was possible so it would be easier to accept the resurrection.

Scripture stories are often layered just as our lives are often more complex than meets the eye.  In this preaching, Fr. Keating goes on to say that God often waits until the moment is ripe in our lives for us to learn deeper and more important lessons than we might have if He acted at the first moment we asked for help.  In the case of this popular story, at least three people benefited personally from the delay.   Martha who liked to dictate how things should go, even to the point of meddling; Mary who loved Jesus in a deeply contemplative way to the point that she never took necessary action; and perhaps Lazarus who may have had too much pride or too little faith to ask for his own healing.  (Forgive me, Father Keating , if I’m getting your presentation a bit muddled.)

The learning for each person in the story had to do with giving up of character defects, which are manufactured by the false self, or ego (which stands for edging God out) to defend us from the worldly dangers which would destroy it.  We have to die to self to be truly free.  And God waits until the time is right for us to be willing to let go and let Him be in charge.

All of this has been proven over and over in my life.  I still hold on unnecessarily to my defensive ego, but I am getting better and better with more life experience.  For years, I wanted to write a book.  I knew, in a general way, what I wanted to write about.  My surrogate mom and spiritual guide had taught me many sayings and methods to help me grow spiritually and emotionally.  I had learned to use her teachings effectively, not only in my own life, but to help friends and patients in their lives.  Over and over, through the years, I made a list of these sayings or methods, but that’s as far as I ever got.  I had too much fear of that empty piece of paper.   It took me a long time to realize that the fear was really my false self feeding up a dual dose of ego.  On the one hand, I was afraid that my writing wouldn’t be any good and no one would want to read it.  On the other hand, I both craved attention and recognition, and I was afraid that, if I got it, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I feared I would have nothing of value to say or that no one would be interested in what I wrote, that it would help no one and I would be wasting my time.  I was ashamed of my lack of faith which kept me from even trying.

Fear and ego distorted my true reasons for writing: honoring my second mom Ruthie and the many others who have contributed to my spiritual and emotional freedom throughout my life,  helping others to know God in a way that they too could become free of ego, bringing others back to God and most of all, celebrating my deep love and gratitude to God and His unending love for me.

It took a period of intense burnout in my professional life and my trying many different paths to change what I was doing with no success.  It took God apparently saying “no” over and over to all my plans which were based on security needs, rather than any true desire to follow those paths.  It took a moment of clarity to realize that I had to follow the desires of my heart and the Spirit within if I wanted to be cured of the anger, stress and futility that I was feeling in my life.  And it was at the moment when I was ready to let go and let God that I was finally able to listen. God reminded me through a friend of mine that I had always wanted to write a book. Maybe this was the time. After all, this pursuit was close to my heart.

In April, 2006, I enrolled in a creative non-fiction writing class and began to write.  A year and a half later, after many more bouts of fear and surrender, I the book was written.  Then I had to let go once again as I tried to find an agent or publisher.  It was entirely possible that the entire lesson and gift was in the writing itself.    In the fall of 2007, after many rejections, I began to visualize  an offer arriving from a publisher or agent by Christmas.  It was the day after Christmas when I got the call from my editor at Hazelden with an offer to publish the book which was then called Hanging Out With God.  He told me it would be scheduled for March, 2008.

More surrenders.  Changing the title, making God more accessible to a wider audience for God as each of you understands God, learning to wait and then wait some more.  Once the editing was done, it was in the hands of the marketers and publicist.  What, I couldn’t be in charge and dictate what they do?  Oh, I forgot again.  It’s God’s book, not mine.  The outcome is His.

I’ve been directed by the Hazelden team, who have gotten everything right so far (Of course they did. After all, didn’t God choose them?), to learn social networking so I could let everyone know about the book.  I have by now almost fully entered the twenty-first century.  I am on My Space, Facebook, and I am learning to Twitter.  In two weeks, I will be the no doubt befuddled owner of a Blackberry Storm, trying to tweet the word:

God wrote a book under my name.  It is called God:  A Relationship Guide.  It is available now on the web sites of Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and Hazelden (www.hazelden.org). And sometime this week, you will be able to order it on this site by clicking on the picture of the book cover.

All of this has happened in the fullness of time.  The yeast had to rise and leaven before the baking could be done.

I don’t know what would have happened if God had fixed my burnout sooner, but I’m pretty sure that waiting for the miracle to happen was worth it.
How has God made you wait in your life? Can you see the benefit?

Holding on to old hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment shuts off the sunlight of the Spirit and causes us to live in a prison between our ears.

My dear friend Ruthie was like a second or surrogate mom to me, and she was also a spiritual guide.  One of her sayings was “Those whom the gods want to control, they make angry.”  What?  That seemed like a really confusing and twisted outlook.  What gods?  Why does anger give them control?

What I have come to realize is that anyone or anything that I hold on to, won’t let go of, can’t stop thinking about, feeling about or dreaming about becomes my god.  It dictates what I think, how I feel and how I act, and that should be God’s job.  When He is the center of my life, I can be at peace even in the midst of hurt, disappointment and anger.

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This month I am trying to prepare myself for the release of my book next month.  I’m immersed in learning to do “viral marketing” which my publisher says is THE THING to do.  The whole thing is scary and overwhelming and I have an old idea that says “but I don’t know how, I need someone to show me, what if I screw it up?”  Instead of trusting God and diving in, I found book to read on the subject.  Can you imagine reading “Facebook Marketing” or “Twitter Power?”  It’s a massive avoidance campaign on my part!  I think it has to do with my fear that the book will succeed or that it will fail, both of which mean that I succeed or fail.

So I’m taking a new approach to preparation.  While trying these new things, I am focusing instead on centering prayer (becoming disposed to God in the quiet of my heart) as well as a prayer of gratitude.  He helped me to write the book and find a publisher.  This could NEVER have happened without Him, and this in and of itself is enough!

Are you holding on to any old hurt, anger, disappointment?  Is it keeping you in a self-constructed prison?  Turn your thoughts to God and break free.

Are you avoiding trying something new because you are afraid?  Turn to Him in prayer.

Send your thoughts, comments and questions.

I was listening to a cd of Thomas Keating while I walked this morning.  He was talking about centering prayer.  Actually he was talking about the scriptural instructions that we go into our room, shut the door and talk to God in the quiet and secrecy of the room and He will talk back to us in secret as well.

When I pray, I am often interrupted by the noise in my head or the pull of my surroundings.  It is hard to shut out the noise of worry, excitement, anticipation, analysis, rumination, worry or just plain nonsense.  The dog is barking. My stomach is rumbling.  It’s cold. It’s hot. I’m doing this wrong. Is the time almost up?

Centering prayer is a way of shutting out all the attachments of my mind so that I am listening only to the silence.  It is here that my heart speaks and His heart listens and the Holy Spirit speaks back to back to me in His secret language.  Often I don’t know what it is that I have said or how God has responded, but when I give Him my time and listen unconditionally in this way, somehow my life gets better and I know the wonder of His love.

How do you listen to God?

It’s hard to believe that 2009 has begun.

There is so much wrong in the world, it seems.  I am often asked how a good God could allow the carnage on the Gaza strip, starvation/genocide in Darfur, and more personal tragedies such as death of a child, loss of a home or job, abuse of an innocent child, or unremitting pain during a long term illness.  The thing is I don’t believe He causes these things.

It seems to me that He took a huge risk when He offered us the gift of free will.  I have no doubt that He could have created a bunch of love slaves, having us bow down in adoration and awe, blowing Him kisses and being unable to do anything wrong.l  But then, we would have been a bunch of robots.

He loves us unconditionally regardless of the good or bad choices that we make, and I think He probably values our unconditional love in return.  Which makes the question of all the pain and suffering in the world even more relevant.  How are we supposed to love Him without condition when we think He performs so badly, unreasonably, unfairly or worse, cruelly?  Again, the only answer has to be that His performance has more to do with how He supports us and sees us through the pain, how He helps us to grow and mature, being pruned and refined by the suffering.

Surely, we mortals have then ability to prevent a great deal of wrong.  Haven’t we got the resources to feed the less fortunate?  Can’t we offer health care, vaccinations, education to nations, societies, cultures that don’t have the skills, wealth, manpower or knowledge to prevent or control disease?  Don’t we have the ability and capacity for empathy to understand differing points of view so that individuals and nations and faiths  and political beliefs can live side by side in peace?  How do we manage to deny that God has made us protectors and stewards of this amazing planet and that we have the responsibility to protect it?  What makes us think that people who carry out unthinkable evil haven’t themselves experienced the same in their own lives or that their deeds don’t come from internal demons or illness of their own? Why won’t we recognize that others, even the seemingly worst of us, need and yearn for love and understanding just as much as each of us does?

To me, these are the questions that God knows we can answer.  I believe it must hurt His heart deeply to see how His world and His children have devolved into selfishness and self-centeredness to the point that we neglect, harm or just plain forget others whether they are our family, friends, co-workers, members of our church or civic community, fellow citizens of our nation or our world.

As any parent has painfully discovered, we can’t keep our kids from hurt or pain and we can’t protect them from making often serious mistakes.  If they are ever to grow up, we must let them go and experience their own journey, fraught with danger whether it is from an emotional, physical or spiritual cause.  As hard as it is to let go of our one or several children, imagine how it must be for God.  On any given day, He has to let a billion or so of His kids go forth on their own adventure.  He steps aside, giving us the dignity to fail on our own and waiting for us to turn to Him to grow and change, becoming multi-faceted beams of hope and proof of His ever present care and love.

May you find faith during your journey in 2009, and may you be willing to believe in, test out, and find comfort in His love.

Happy New Year.

I have noticed how easy it is for me to say, “I can’t” because I am afraid that I can’t.  A whole lot of things remain undone when I slip into that sort of thinking.

The most recent instance of this has to do with a brochure that I wanted to get done.  I am starting a group called “Write Your Spiritual Autobiography”.   I want people to know that I am doing this or, obviously,  I won’t be doing it.  With my spiritual mind, I wholeheartedly believe the saying, “Build the field and the people will come”.   But my human mind counters truth with thoughtless and idiotic comments like, Who are you kidding?  You don’t know how to do this.  People will never pay for it.  It won’t be any good. And so on and so on.  Forget that I have credentials up the wazoo and that God is in charge.  I just get doubtful.  And that is part of the human condition.

I try to put my fears aside and proceed with the brochure.  I have Microsoft Publisher on my computer.  I open it up and stare at it.  I decide it is written in Greek or Chinese.  I can’t possibly make sense of it.  I head off to Barnes and Noble to check out books on using this program.  After 45 agonizing minutes, I finally make a choice and go home to figure out what to do.  Well, maybe I should read it first.  I go over and over the very few pages that have to do with creating a brochure, feel overwhelmed and quit.

A few days later, I was telling a friend about the problem.  She told me she had a great program for making brochures, and she showed me how easy it was to use.  I obtained a copy of this program, opened it,  and I was immediately swamped with the same confusion as I had experienced with Publisher.

I believe that confusion is a feeling that serves the purpose of keeping us from making decisions we don’t want to make or taking actions we don’t want to take.  Confusion is paralyzing, and I am convinced it is fear-based.  So the question I must ask myself is What is my confusion about?  What am I afraid of? Surely, it is not just whether I can figure out the computer program.  No,it had much more to do with the fears I mentioned before.  That is, Am I actually competent enough to be of service to others through the facilitation of this Spiritual Autobiography group?

What to do about my paralysis?  Take it to God, of course.  Wasn’t this His idea in the first place?  Why am I getting so ego- involved?  Have I forgotten that “Of myself,  I am nothing.  The Father does the work.”?  I have this wonderful bit of scripture engraved on a piece of wood and keep it hanging on the wall above my diplomas as a constant reminder of the true order of things.

Just after I begged Him for help, I was reading an article that was metaphysical in nature.  Through this writing, I was reminded that God is within me.  If I allowed the Holy Spirit  to think and express through my heart, He would.  The next day when I opened the Publisher program, I affirmed  with deep belief  God within me will create the right brochure so that I can proceed in doing His work. The fear left me and,  amazingly,  I was able to figure out the previously mumbo-jumbo computerese.  It took a few sessions and a question or two directed at my computer literate friend, but my mind was cleared and the task got done.

Does confusion ever block your good?  Has anxiety ever kept you from trying things?  God can always help.  Share your stories in the comments section.  Or, if you have any questions about things you are facing, ask away.  I will answer your requests.

I have always had a fear of an empty piece of paper.  This means that I am sure that when I try to write something, my mind will be free of all worthwhile thoughts.  Have you ever experienced this?  It can really cripple you.

For years, I really wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about the many sayings and memorable expressions I had picked up through the years which I’ve used to help myself, my friends and my patients.  From time to time I ‘d sit down and write a list of these expressions.  Then I’d put them aside and forget about them.

I even had a title for this book:  God’s Wife and Other Teachers Along the Way.  This was meant to honor my second mom and friend Ruthie who taught me most of what I know about being a responsible adult and spiritual being.  Our friends jokingly called her God’s wife because of her wisdom and humility.  And, of course, there have been many other teachers along the way.  I thought this was a very catchy title, and I’d tell my friends, or anyone else who would listen, about this book that I was going to write one day.  That was about as far as it got.

It wasn’t just writing a book that was the problem.  It was a paper for school, a report for work, a talk I had to give.  When I sat down to write something, I could feel anxiety rising, and I would find a million other things to do.  Often I’d accomplish other things I had been putting off, anything but write.  Sometimes I would “whirl and twirl”, doing a bunch of nothing, calling friends, talking to someone in the office, going on a quick shopping spree or eating something I didn’t need or want to eat.  Finally, I’d sit down and do the work, and it always turned out well.

When I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate, I became paralyzed.  For the first and only time in my life, I wrote a song (something that should have been far more threatening to me than doing work I knew something about).  It was called the 12-Bar Dissertation Blues.  It had lyrics that went, “Clean the closet, clean the floor, try to think, what a bore—”  It was all about the myriad of ways that I avoided doing the required work, or even sitting down to try.

I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist gave me an assignment.  I was supposed to write one minute at a time, five times a day.  Then I was to write down the results for each day in the week on a 3×5″ card and turn it in to him.  For weeks on end, my report reflected 0 minutes per day for the full week.  Slowly however, I began to do days with 5 minutes or 20 minutes.  After eight or nine months had passed, my cards reflected 30 hours of work on my dissertation per week.  It had become a full time job!  After I was done, my therapist gave me a framed collage of my 3×5″ cards to remind me that the writing was a process.  I should focus on the process, not the results.  But, I can’t tell you how much I dislike process, even to this day.  I want to get there without having to go through the journey.  I want the outcome so I don’t have to think about whether the project is any good.  Even if it’s bad, at least I’d know.

Fast forward 25 years, and I find myself enrolled in a Creative Non-Fiction Writing class at the University of California, Riverside extension  program.  I still wanted to write that book which I had been talking about for 7 or 8 years by then.  I explained to the teacher Mike Foley that it wasn’t even writer’s block; it was starter’s block!

The first thing Mike suggested that I do is write out my sayings and try to organize them into categories.  The next week I returned and said I had two main groups of expressions, one spiritual in nature, the other psychological.  He asked which I most wanted to work with, and I answered, without hesitation, spiritual.  I wanted to talk about God.  I then divided the spiritual phrases into general topic areas.

Finally, I had to write.  I freaked out.  Same old stuff–fear of the empty piece of paper.  Mike then offered one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard,

“You must give yourself absolute permission to write absolute junk.“

Actually, he didn’t say “junk”.  I wrote this as an affirmation in my notebook, and it has given me absolute freedom.

Whenever I sat down to write, I prayed first.  Lord, let the Holy Spirit write through me onto the page. At first, I could only write in longhand.  If I tried to write on the computer, I got stuck.  I bought a laptop so that I could go to the local coffee shop and write.  I got the hang of that after awhile, and the sign-in title of my laptop is “My book is for God’s Glory” to remind myself of the true bottom line (not that I would mind worldly fame and fortune).

The book took on a life of its own.  By the beginning of the next quarter, I was able to write an outline.  The five other women in my class became my support group, and after three quarters of writing for the class, we now meet on our own on a weekly basis.  Sometimes Mike comes to join us and give us guidance.  I don’t think I would have ever gotten anywhere without the gentle and wise criticism and encouragement of this group.  We have all improved immeasurably as writers and having the weekly group as an accountability check has kept us writing on a regular basis.

The title of my book is Hanging Out With God:  A Relationship Guide.  It compares a relationship with God to a lifelong friendship or love relationship.  It starts with looking for Him in all the wrong places, progresses to meeting Him, getting to know, trust and love Him.  Then it talks about making a commitment to Him, discovering that the road isn’t always easy, thinking about quitting, then recommitting and emerging into a mature relationship.  Like a marriage, huh?  The book includes a lot of my personal experiences plus the sayings and a how to section in each chapter.

I have been working on the book for 1-1/2 years.  At first, it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write.  I had fear every single time.  But somewhere along the way, I began to trust God, myself and the process.  Now I look forward to writing, and that’s one reason for starting this blog (besides wanting to hear your comments and questions and hoping to respond as well).

And why am I writing this blog now?  Because I finished writing my book this week! Thank you God, Mike Foley and the women in my writing group.  Now I have to take the action of finding the agent and publisher that God wants me to find.  As in everything else, I do the footwork and leave the results to God.

Please post your comments and questions.  If you want to e-mail me, you will find me at judith@drjsgodline.com.