Dr. Judith’s God Line

Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

He surely knew I was hurting, confused, and sad.   I had asked for His help over and over.  So why did He take so long? He always answers prayers, but often not in our time.

I was listening to a teaching by Thomas Keating on the story of Lazarus.  Jesus’ great friends, Martha and Mary, let Jesus know that their brother Lazurus was VERY ill, and they begged Him to come.  Now we know from scripture that Jesus didn’t need to be present to perform a healing miracle.  He could have just said a quick prayer to His father, and it would have been done.  But instead, He not only didn’t heal Lazarus from afar, he actually didn’t even head to Bethany until four days later, after Lazarus was dead, buried and rotting.  Why even bother?  Lazarus couldn’t be saved, and Bethany had become very unsafe for Jesus.

The obvious answer, according to this teacher, was that Jesus could perform the greater miracle in raising Lazarus from the dead under circumstances that led no room for question.  He was definitely dead!  Also, this dying , being in the tomb for several days and rising is a precursor of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  Now people would know such a thing was possible so it would be easier to accept the resurrection.

Scripture stories are often layered just as our lives are often more complex than meets the eye.  In this preaching, Fr. Keating goes on to say that God often waits until the moment is ripe in our lives for us to learn deeper and more important lessons than we might have if He acted at the first moment we asked for help.  In the case of this popular story, at least three people benefited personally from the delay.   Martha who liked to dictate how things should go, even to the point of meddling; Mary who loved Jesus in a deeply contemplative way to the point that she never took necessary action; and perhaps Lazarus who may have had too much pride or too little faith to ask for his own healing.  (Forgive me, Father Keating , if I’m getting your presentation a bit muddled.)

The learning for each person in the story had to do with giving up of character defects, which are manufactured by the false self, or ego (which stands for edging God out) to defend us from the worldly dangers which would destroy it.  We have to die to self to be truly free.  And God waits until the time is right for us to be willing to let go and let Him be in charge.

All of this has been proven over and over in my life.  I still hold on unnecessarily to my defensive ego, but I am getting better and better with more life experience.  For years, I wanted to write a book.  I knew, in a general way, what I wanted to write about.  My surrogate mom and spiritual guide had taught me many sayings and methods to help me grow spiritually and emotionally.  I had learned to use her teachings effectively, not only in my own life, but to help friends and patients in their lives.  Over and over, through the years, I made a list of these sayings or methods, but that’s as far as I ever got.  I had too much fear of that empty piece of paper.   It took me a long time to realize that the fear was really my false self feeding up a dual dose of ego.  On the one hand, I was afraid that my writing wouldn’t be any good and no one would want to read it.  On the other hand, I both craved attention and recognition, and I was afraid that, if I got it, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I feared I would have nothing of value to say or that no one would be interested in what I wrote, that it would help no one and I would be wasting my time.  I was ashamed of my lack of faith which kept me from even trying.

Fear and ego distorted my true reasons for writing: honoring my second mom Ruthie and the many others who have contributed to my spiritual and emotional freedom throughout my life,  helping others to know God in a way that they too could become free of ego, bringing others back to God and most of all, celebrating my deep love and gratitude to God and His unending love for me.

It took a period of intense burnout in my professional life and my trying many different paths to change what I was doing with no success.  It took God apparently saying “no” over and over to all my plans which were based on security needs, rather than any true desire to follow those paths.  It took a moment of clarity to realize that I had to follow the desires of my heart and the Spirit within if I wanted to be cured of the anger, stress and futility that I was feeling in my life.  And it was at the moment when I was ready to let go and let God that I was finally able to listen. God reminded me through a friend of mine that I had always wanted to write a book. Maybe this was the time. After all, this pursuit was close to my heart.

In April, 2006, I enrolled in a creative non-fiction writing class and began to write.  A year and a half later, after many more bouts of fear and surrender, I the book was written.  Then I had to let go once again as I tried to find an agent or publisher.  It was entirely possible that the entire lesson and gift was in the writing itself.    In the fall of 2007, after many rejections, I began to visualize  an offer arriving from a publisher or agent by Christmas.  It was the day after Christmas when I got the call from my editor at Hazelden with an offer to publish the book which was then called Hanging Out With God.  He told me it would be scheduled for March, 2008.

More surrenders.  Changing the title, making God more accessible to a wider audience for God as each of you understands God, learning to wait and then wait some more.  Once the editing was done, it was in the hands of the marketers and publicist.  What, I couldn’t be in charge and dictate what they do?  Oh, I forgot again.  It’s God’s book, not mine.  The outcome is His.

I’ve been directed by the Hazelden team, who have gotten everything right so far (Of course they did. After all, didn’t God choose them?), to learn social networking so I could let everyone know about the book.  I have by now almost fully entered the twenty-first century.  I am on My Space, Facebook, and I am learning to Twitter.  In two weeks, I will be the no doubt befuddled owner of a Blackberry Storm, trying to tweet the word:

God wrote a book under my name.  It is called God:  A Relationship Guide.  It is available now on the web sites of Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and Hazelden (www.hazelden.org). And sometime this week, you will be able to order it on this site by clicking on the picture of the book cover.

All of this has happened in the fullness of time.  The yeast had to rise and leaven before the baking could be done.

I don’t know what would have happened if God had fixed my burnout sooner, but I’m pretty sure that waiting for the miracle to happen was worth it.
How has God made you wait in your life? Can you see the benefit?

I have always had a fear of an empty piece of paper.  This means that I am sure that when I try to write something, my mind will be free of all worthwhile thoughts.  Have you ever experienced this?  It can really cripple you.

For years, I really wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about the many sayings and memorable expressions I had picked up through the years which I’ve used to help myself, my friends and my patients.  From time to time I ‘d sit down and write a list of these expressions.  Then I’d put them aside and forget about them.

I even had a title for this book:  God’s Wife and Other Teachers Along the Way.  This was meant to honor my second mom and friend Ruthie who taught me most of what I know about being a responsible adult and spiritual being.  Our friends jokingly called her God’s wife because of her wisdom and humility.  And, of course, there have been many other teachers along the way.  I thought this was a very catchy title, and I’d tell my friends, or anyone else who would listen, about this book that I was going to write one day.  That was about as far as it got.

It wasn’t just writing a book that was the problem.  It was a paper for school, a report for work, a talk I had to give.  When I sat down to write something, I could feel anxiety rising, and I would find a million other things to do.  Often I’d accomplish other things I had been putting off, anything but write.  Sometimes I would “whirl and twirl”, doing a bunch of nothing, calling friends, talking to someone in the office, going on a quick shopping spree or eating something I didn’t need or want to eat.  Finally, I’d sit down and do the work, and it always turned out well.

When I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate, I became paralyzed.  For the first and only time in my life, I wrote a song (something that should have been far more threatening to me than doing work I knew something about).  It was called the 12-Bar Dissertation Blues.  It had lyrics that went, “Clean the closet, clean the floor, try to think, what a bore—”  It was all about the myriad of ways that I avoided doing the required work, or even sitting down to try.

I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist gave me an assignment.  I was supposed to write one minute at a time, five times a day.  Then I was to write down the results for each day in the week on a 3×5″ card and turn it in to him.  For weeks on end, my report reflected 0 minutes per day for the full week.  Slowly however, I began to do days with 5 minutes or 20 minutes.  After eight or nine months had passed, my cards reflected 30 hours of work on my dissertation per week.  It had become a full time job!  After I was done, my therapist gave me a framed collage of my 3×5″ cards to remind me that the writing was a process.  I should focus on the process, not the results.  But, I can’t tell you how much I dislike process, even to this day.  I want to get there without having to go through the journey.  I want the outcome so I don’t have to think about whether the project is any good.  Even if it’s bad, at least I’d know.

Fast forward 25 years, and I find myself enrolled in a Creative Non-Fiction Writing class at the University of California, Riverside extension  program.  I still wanted to write that book which I had been talking about for 7 or 8 years by then.  I explained to the teacher Mike Foley that it wasn’t even writer’s block; it was starter’s block!

The first thing Mike suggested that I do is write out my sayings and try to organize them into categories.  The next week I returned and said I had two main groups of expressions, one spiritual in nature, the other psychological.  He asked which I most wanted to work with, and I answered, without hesitation, spiritual.  I wanted to talk about God.  I then divided the spiritual phrases into general topic areas.

Finally, I had to write.  I freaked out.  Same old stuff–fear of the empty piece of paper.  Mike then offered one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard,

“You must give yourself absolute permission to write absolute junk.“

Actually, he didn’t say “junk”.  I wrote this as an affirmation in my notebook, and it has given me absolute freedom.

Whenever I sat down to write, I prayed first.  Lord, let the Holy Spirit write through me onto the page. At first, I could only write in longhand.  If I tried to write on the computer, I got stuck.  I bought a laptop so that I could go to the local coffee shop and write.  I got the hang of that after awhile, and the sign-in title of my laptop is “My book is for God’s Glory” to remind myself of the true bottom line (not that I would mind worldly fame and fortune).

The book took on a life of its own.  By the beginning of the next quarter, I was able to write an outline.  The five other women in my class became my support group, and after three quarters of writing for the class, we now meet on our own on a weekly basis.  Sometimes Mike comes to join us and give us guidance.  I don’t think I would have ever gotten anywhere without the gentle and wise criticism and encouragement of this group.  We have all improved immeasurably as writers and having the weekly group as an accountability check has kept us writing on a regular basis.

The title of my book is Hanging Out With God:  A Relationship Guide.  It compares a relationship with God to a lifelong friendship or love relationship.  It starts with looking for Him in all the wrong places, progresses to meeting Him, getting to know, trust and love Him.  Then it talks about making a commitment to Him, discovering that the road isn’t always easy, thinking about quitting, then recommitting and emerging into a mature relationship.  Like a marriage, huh?  The book includes a lot of my personal experiences plus the sayings and a how to section in each chapter.

I have been working on the book for 1-1/2 years.  At first, it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write.  I had fear every single time.  But somewhere along the way, I began to trust God, myself and the process.  Now I look forward to writing, and that’s one reason for starting this blog (besides wanting to hear your comments and questions and hoping to respond as well).

And why am I writing this blog now?  Because I finished writing my book this week! Thank you God, Mike Foley and the women in my writing group.  Now I have to take the action of finding the agent and publisher that God wants me to find.  As in everything else, I do the footwork and leave the results to God.

Please post your comments and questions.  If you want to e-mail me, you will find me at judith@drjsgodline.com.