Dr. Judith’s God Line

Archive for the ‘Self Help’ Category

I often have the thought that I have no idea what I’m doing.  Not only that but I’m convinced that I can’t figure out how to do whatever it is that I want to do on my own.  And if I attempt to do it, I will become so impossibly confused and frustrated that I will have to give up or go crazy.  This applies to an incredibly wide range of things I need to get done.

Let’s see.  There’s the drawer in my kitchen which has had a broken track for the past six months.  I have to hold it up to get to the drawer below.  There’s the new hammock which remains unused because it needs a bit of chain to lower it so that I can get into it more easily.  There are the three beautiful plaques, one that says “Peace”, another “Hope” and a third that says “Joy,” which are waiting to be hung because I’m afraid that I won’t get the height or spacing right.  Since there’s no one to do these things for me, since it seems insane to call a for handyman to do such trivial things , since I’m too proud to ask a friend for help and I’m convinced that if I try to do any of these things myself, I will definitely screw up, the tasks remain undone.

Then there’s the category of projects I’m afraid to try which involve using the internet and social media for marketing and publicity of my book.  Finding and asking other blog writers to link their blogs to mine, especially this since brings the possibility of rejection, transferring pictures from my Blackberry to my computer so that I can post them on my web site, planning a short marketing presentation about my book for U-Tube, figuring out how to edit clips already filmed on my Flip Video so I can upload them onto U-Tube, or learning where to start doing internet advertising or how to analyze information about who’s visited my web site.

In each of these cases, I want to hire someone to do the job for me or get someone I know to show me how.  Or read a book–you wouldn’t believe how often I buy books from the Idiots or Dummies series and still don’t get it.

This is behavior that my patients, and others, refer to as reflective of low self-esteem.  A lack of confidence.  A feeling of incompetence.  When parents get frustrated with teaching their little boy to do something or when they  become overly concerned  about their sweet girl’s feelings, not wanting her to struggle with trying to master a skill, they might take over and complete the task for the child.   This leaves her with the feeling and belief that she can’t accomplish or learn the thing on her own.  Or when a parent hasn’t got the time or inclination to teach the child new skills, the little boy is left to figure it out on his own, often believing that he can’t get it right, believing it’s right even when it’s wrong or fearful of admitting he doesn’t know how and not willing to ask for help.

In my case, my mother was busy doing things she enjoyed.  She hired others to do her work, whether it was housekeeping, cooking, child rearing, fixing things that were broken or creating things she wanted like the rock  garden in the back yard or the new laundry room off the kitchen. This is what I learned to do–pay for others to do it for me.  I took no responsibility for doing things myself and did only those things which came easily.

It took me many years and some major failures, disappointments and wrong paths to begin to figure out how to live as a responsible adult.  Fortunately, I eventually grew up and learned to be industrious, to have a nice environment, to work for things I wanted.  Before I was able to blossom and mature, I had to acquire a radical willingness to learn from loving, spiritual friends the central importance of knowing God and trusting Him to help me.

When I began this process, things which have become routine in my life were overwhelming.  What behavior is appropriate in any given situation?  Which pair of pants fit and look nice on me? Is that person teasing me because he is being friendly or affectionate or is he being mean?  How do I write that report?  How do I approach that person who might refer patients to me?  What is my taste or style for decorating my living room?   When  I’m interviewing to hire a new secretary, how do I figure out who is the right one to choose?  What is my book going to be about? If I’m overwhelmed by fear, what do I do to overcome it or to get the courage to take action in spite of it?

With the help of God and devoted friends who had the patience to teach me, I learned to suit up and show up for work, take directions from my boss and be a responsible, reliable and trustworthy employee.  Through prayer, I was led to a class with the right teacher to get me started on my book and overcome my terror of an empty piece of paper.  Since then, I’ve come to trust that when I pray first, the right words will come.

I’ve learned that turning to God in prayer will help me find an answer each time I ask or will give me courage to act even when I don’t know the answer.  Relying on God helps me to give myself permission to screw up and then look for a new course of action.

Here is the process I use to learn or try new things which I’m convinced will be too difficult for me:

(1) Ask God for help, direction or inspiration;

(2) Trust that He will give it because He is a good parent and wants me to learn and grow;

(3) Allow myself to make mistakes and to strive for progress, not perfection;

(4)  Keep on trying until I get it; and

(5) Ask others for help if I really get stuck but be willing to try again on my own, asking again for God’s assistance.

Great instructions, aren’t they?  But I have to admit that every single task I listed above is still undone, and I haven’t yet put my own tried and true method to work on my current list of scary projects.

God is a good parent, and He knows when to let us struggle until we learn and when to step in and help us along.  If I try hard and often to learn something new, I’ll not only feel good about myself for trying, but I might actually succeed.  Then I can congratulate myself and my father God for a job well done.

So I’m off to put up the three plaques, “Peace”, “Hope” and “Joy”.  When I’m done, I’ll let you know.

Why don’t you put this theory to the test as well, and then send your comments on how it worked.

Holding on to old hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment shuts off the sunlight of the Spirit and causes us to live in a prison between our ears.

My dear friend Ruthie was like a second or surrogate mom to me, and she was also a spiritual guide.  One of her sayings was “Those whom the gods want to control, they make angry.”  What?  That seemed like a really confusing and twisted outlook.  What gods?  Why does anger give them control?

What I have come to realize is that anyone or anything that I hold on to, won’t let go of, can’t stop thinking about, feeling about or dreaming about becomes my god.  It dictates what I think, how I feel and how I act, and that should be God’s job.  When He is the center of my life, I can be at peace even in the midst of hurt, disappointment and anger.

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This month I am trying to prepare myself for the release of my book next month.  I’m immersed in learning to do “viral marketing” which my publisher says is THE THING to do.  The whole thing is scary and overwhelming and I have an old idea that says “but I don’t know how, I need someone to show me, what if I screw it up?”  Instead of trusting God and diving in, I found book to read on the subject.  Can you imagine reading “Facebook Marketing” or “Twitter Power?”  It’s a massive avoidance campaign on my part!  I think it has to do with my fear that the book will succeed or that it will fail, both of which mean that I succeed or fail.

So I’m taking a new approach to preparation.  While trying these new things, I am focusing instead on centering prayer (becoming disposed to God in the quiet of my heart) as well as a prayer of gratitude.  He helped me to write the book and find a publisher.  This could NEVER have happened without Him, and this in and of itself is enough!

Are you holding on to any old hurt, anger, disappointment?  Is it keeping you in a self-constructed prison?  Turn your thoughts to God and break free.

Are you avoiding trying something new because you are afraid?  Turn to Him in prayer.

Send your thoughts, comments and questions.

I have noticed how easy it is for me to say, “I can’t” because I am afraid that I can’t.  A whole lot of things remain undone when I slip into that sort of thinking.

The most recent instance of this has to do with a brochure that I wanted to get done.  I am starting a group called “Write Your Spiritual Autobiography”.   I want people to know that I am doing this or, obviously,  I won’t be doing it.  With my spiritual mind, I wholeheartedly believe the saying, “Build the field and the people will come”.   But my human mind counters truth with thoughtless and idiotic comments like, Who are you kidding?  You don’t know how to do this.  People will never pay for it.  It won’t be any good. And so on and so on.  Forget that I have credentials up the wazoo and that God is in charge.  I just get doubtful.  And that is part of the human condition.

I try to put my fears aside and proceed with the brochure.  I have Microsoft Publisher on my computer.  I open it up and stare at it.  I decide it is written in Greek or Chinese.  I can’t possibly make sense of it.  I head off to Barnes and Noble to check out books on using this program.  After 45 agonizing minutes, I finally make a choice and go home to figure out what to do.  Well, maybe I should read it first.  I go over and over the very few pages that have to do with creating a brochure, feel overwhelmed and quit.

A few days later, I was telling a friend about the problem.  She told me she had a great program for making brochures, and she showed me how easy it was to use.  I obtained a copy of this program, opened it,  and I was immediately swamped with the same confusion as I had experienced with Publisher.

I believe that confusion is a feeling that serves the purpose of keeping us from making decisions we don’t want to make or taking actions we don’t want to take.  Confusion is paralyzing, and I am convinced it is fear-based.  So the question I must ask myself is What is my confusion about?  What am I afraid of? Surely, it is not just whether I can figure out the computer program.  No,it had much more to do with the fears I mentioned before.  That is, Am I actually competent enough to be of service to others through the facilitation of this Spiritual Autobiography group?

What to do about my paralysis?  Take it to God, of course.  Wasn’t this His idea in the first place?  Why am I getting so ego- involved?  Have I forgotten that “Of myself,  I am nothing.  The Father does the work.”?  I have this wonderful bit of scripture engraved on a piece of wood and keep it hanging on the wall above my diplomas as a constant reminder of the true order of things.

Just after I begged Him for help, I was reading an article that was metaphysical in nature.  Through this writing, I was reminded that God is within me.  If I allowed the Holy Spirit  to think and express through my heart, He would.  The next day when I opened the Publisher program, I affirmed  with deep belief  God within me will create the right brochure so that I can proceed in doing His work. The fear left me and,  amazingly,  I was able to figure out the previously mumbo-jumbo computerese.  It took a few sessions and a question or two directed at my computer literate friend, but my mind was cleared and the task got done.

Does confusion ever block your good?  Has anxiety ever kept you from trying things?  God can always help.  Share your stories in the comments section.  Or, if you have any questions about things you are facing, ask away.  I will answer your requests.

I have always had a fear of an empty piece of paper.  This means that I am sure that when I try to write something, my mind will be free of all worthwhile thoughts.  Have you ever experienced this?  It can really cripple you.

For years, I really wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about the many sayings and memorable expressions I had picked up through the years which I’ve used to help myself, my friends and my patients.  From time to time I ‘d sit down and write a list of these expressions.  Then I’d put them aside and forget about them.

I even had a title for this book:  God’s Wife and Other Teachers Along the Way.  This was meant to honor my second mom and friend Ruthie who taught me most of what I know about being a responsible adult and spiritual being.  Our friends jokingly called her God’s wife because of her wisdom and humility.  And, of course, there have been many other teachers along the way.  I thought this was a very catchy title, and I’d tell my friends, or anyone else who would listen, about this book that I was going to write one day.  That was about as far as it got.

It wasn’t just writing a book that was the problem.  It was a paper for school, a report for work, a talk I had to give.  When I sat down to write something, I could feel anxiety rising, and I would find a million other things to do.  Often I’d accomplish other things I had been putting off, anything but write.  Sometimes I would “whirl and twirl”, doing a bunch of nothing, calling friends, talking to someone in the office, going on a quick shopping spree or eating something I didn’t need or want to eat.  Finally, I’d sit down and do the work, and it always turned out well.

When I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate, I became paralyzed.  For the first and only time in my life, I wrote a song (something that should have been far more threatening to me than doing work I knew something about).  It was called the 12-Bar Dissertation Blues.  It had lyrics that went, “Clean the closet, clean the floor, try to think, what a bore—”  It was all about the myriad of ways that I avoided doing the required work, or even sitting down to try.

I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist gave me an assignment.  I was supposed to write one minute at a time, five times a day.  Then I was to write down the results for each day in the week on a 3×5″ card and turn it in to him.  For weeks on end, my report reflected 0 minutes per day for the full week.  Slowly however, I began to do days with 5 minutes or 20 minutes.  After eight or nine months had passed, my cards reflected 30 hours of work on my dissertation per week.  It had become a full time job!  After I was done, my therapist gave me a framed collage of my 3×5″ cards to remind me that the writing was a process.  I should focus on the process, not the results.  But, I can’t tell you how much I dislike process, even to this day.  I want to get there without having to go through the journey.  I want the outcome so I don’t have to think about whether the project is any good.  Even if it’s bad, at least I’d know.

Fast forward 25 years, and I find myself enrolled in a Creative Non-Fiction Writing class at the University of California, Riverside extension  program.  I still wanted to write that book which I had been talking about for 7 or 8 years by then.  I explained to the teacher Mike Foley that it wasn’t even writer’s block; it was starter’s block!

The first thing Mike suggested that I do is write out my sayings and try to organize them into categories.  The next week I returned and said I had two main groups of expressions, one spiritual in nature, the other psychological.  He asked which I most wanted to work with, and I answered, without hesitation, spiritual.  I wanted to talk about God.  I then divided the spiritual phrases into general topic areas.

Finally, I had to write.  I freaked out.  Same old stuff–fear of the empty piece of paper.  Mike then offered one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard,

“You must give yourself absolute permission to write absolute junk.“

Actually, he didn’t say “junk”.  I wrote this as an affirmation in my notebook, and it has given me absolute freedom.

Whenever I sat down to write, I prayed first.  Lord, let the Holy Spirit write through me onto the page. At first, I could only write in longhand.  If I tried to write on the computer, I got stuck.  I bought a laptop so that I could go to the local coffee shop and write.  I got the hang of that after awhile, and the sign-in title of my laptop is “My book is for God’s Glory” to remind myself of the true bottom line (not that I would mind worldly fame and fortune).

The book took on a life of its own.  By the beginning of the next quarter, I was able to write an outline.  The five other women in my class became my support group, and after three quarters of writing for the class, we now meet on our own on a weekly basis.  Sometimes Mike comes to join us and give us guidance.  I don’t think I would have ever gotten anywhere without the gentle and wise criticism and encouragement of this group.  We have all improved immeasurably as writers and having the weekly group as an accountability check has kept us writing on a regular basis.

The title of my book is Hanging Out With God:  A Relationship Guide.  It compares a relationship with God to a lifelong friendship or love relationship.  It starts with looking for Him in all the wrong places, progresses to meeting Him, getting to know, trust and love Him.  Then it talks about making a commitment to Him, discovering that the road isn’t always easy, thinking about quitting, then recommitting and emerging into a mature relationship.  Like a marriage, huh?  The book includes a lot of my personal experiences plus the sayings and a how to section in each chapter.

I have been working on the book for 1-1/2 years.  At first, it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write.  I had fear every single time.  But somewhere along the way, I began to trust God, myself and the process.  Now I look forward to writing, and that’s one reason for starting this blog (besides wanting to hear your comments and questions and hoping to respond as well).

And why am I writing this blog now?  Because I finished writing my book this week! Thank you God, Mike Foley and the women in my writing group.  Now I have to take the action of finding the agent and publisher that God wants me to find.  As in everything else, I do the footwork and leave the results to God.

Please post your comments and questions.  If you want to e-mail me, you will find me at judith@drjsgodline.com.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve cautioned people that providing service as part of your work doesn’t exactly count as service. I sublet space from a chemical dependency outpatient treatment center. And I’ve worked directly in chemical dependency. Often I have come across counselors who think that because they talk about recovery all day long to patients, they don’t need to go to meetings. They forget that they need to go to be helped and fed themselves. And service provided for a fee, even if the heart is involved and wisdom gained from experience is being shared, is not the same as giving it away for free.

So imagine how surprised, and not a little embarrassed, I was to realize that I had begun to do the same thing myself. Just because I talk about God all day to patients in my office, and just because as I do this, I often am saying what I need to hear myself, it doesn’t get me off the hook from allowing myself to be led by God to serve outside my office and paid practice. The fact is that I’m often tired at the end of the day or week. I would rather rest on my laurels, feeling that I’ve been helping others all week long. It’s the weekend, and I want to rest, hang out, have some fun. What? Help others? Think about what I can provide to the community? Get my mind off myself? No way. Leave me alone, God. I’m tired.

Do you ever feel this way?

Today, I have resolved to ask God to show me how He wants me to be of use to Him and to others. Who knows what He might come up with? One thing I know for sure is that He does an amazing job of thinking outside the box. He’s likely to surprise me with something wonderful that I might never have thought of myself.