Dr. Judith’s God Line

I have always had a fear of an empty piece of paper.  This means that I am sure that when I try to write something, my mind will be free of all worthwhile thoughts.  Have you ever experienced this?  It can really cripple you.

For years, I really wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about the many sayings and memorable expressions I had picked up through the years which I’ve used to help myself, my friends and my patients.  From time to time I ‘d sit down and write a list of these expressions.  Then I’d put them aside and forget about them.

I even had a title for this book:  God’s Wife and Other Teachers Along the Way.  This was meant to honor my second mom and friend Ruthie who taught me most of what I know about being a responsible adult and spiritual being.  Our friends jokingly called her God’s wife because of her wisdom and humility.  And, of course, there have been many other teachers along the way.  I thought this was a very catchy title, and I’d tell my friends, or anyone else who would listen, about this book that I was going to write one day.  That was about as far as it got.

It wasn’t just writing a book that was the problem.  It was a paper for school, a report for work, a talk I had to give.  When I sat down to write something, I could feel anxiety rising, and I would find a million other things to do.  Often I’d accomplish other things I had been putting off, anything but write.  Sometimes I would “whirl and twirl”, doing a bunch of nothing, calling friends, talking to someone in the office, going on a quick shopping spree or eating something I didn’t need or want to eat.  Finally, I’d sit down and do the work, and it always turned out well.

When I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate, I became paralyzed.  For the first and only time in my life, I wrote a song (something that should have been far more threatening to me than doing work I knew something about).  It was called the 12-Bar Dissertation Blues.  It had lyrics that went, “Clean the closet, clean the floor, try to think, what a bore—”  It was all about the myriad of ways that I avoided doing the required work, or even sitting down to try.

I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist gave me an assignment.  I was supposed to write one minute at a time, five times a day.  Then I was to write down the results for each day in the week on a 3×5″ card and turn it in to him.  For weeks on end, my report reflected 0 minutes per day for the full week.  Slowly however, I began to do days with 5 minutes or 20 minutes.  After eight or nine months had passed, my cards reflected 30 hours of work on my dissertation per week.  It had become a full time job!  After I was done, my therapist gave me a framed collage of my 3×5″ cards to remind me that the writing was a process.  I should focus on the process, not the results.  But, I can’t tell you how much I dislike process, even to this day.  I want to get there without having to go through the journey.  I want the outcome so I don’t have to think about whether the project is any good.  Even if it’s bad, at least I’d know.

Fast forward 25 years, and I find myself enrolled in a Creative Non-Fiction Writing class at the University of California, Riverside extension  program.  I still wanted to write that book which I had been talking about for 7 or 8 years by then.  I explained to the teacher Mike Foley that it wasn’t even writer’s block; it was starter’s block!

The first thing Mike suggested that I do is write out my sayings and try to organize them into categories.  The next week I returned and said I had two main groups of expressions, one spiritual in nature, the other psychological.  He asked which I most wanted to work with, and I answered, without hesitation, spiritual.  I wanted to talk about God.  I then divided the spiritual phrases into general topic areas.

Finally, I had to write.  I freaked out.  Same old stuff–fear of the empty piece of paper.  Mike then offered one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard,

“You must give yourself absolute permission to write absolute junk.“

Actually, he didn’t say “junk”.  I wrote this as an affirmation in my notebook, and it has given me absolute freedom.

Whenever I sat down to write, I prayed first.  Lord, let the Holy Spirit write through me onto the page. At first, I could only write in longhand.  If I tried to write on the computer, I got stuck.  I bought a laptop so that I could go to the local coffee shop and write.  I got the hang of that after awhile, and the sign-in title of my laptop is “My book is for God’s Glory” to remind myself of the true bottom line (not that I would mind worldly fame and fortune).

The book took on a life of its own.  By the beginning of the next quarter, I was able to write an outline.  The five other women in my class became my support group, and after three quarters of writing for the class, we now meet on our own on a weekly basis.  Sometimes Mike comes to join us and give us guidance.  I don’t think I would have ever gotten anywhere without the gentle and wise criticism and encouragement of this group.  We have all improved immeasurably as writers and having the weekly group as an accountability check has kept us writing on a regular basis.

The title of my book is Hanging Out With God:  A Relationship Guide.  It compares a relationship with God to a lifelong friendship or love relationship.  It starts with looking for Him in all the wrong places, progresses to meeting Him, getting to know, trust and love Him.  Then it talks about making a commitment to Him, discovering that the road isn’t always easy, thinking about quitting, then recommitting and emerging into a mature relationship.  Like a marriage, huh?  The book includes a lot of my personal experiences plus the sayings and a how to section in each chapter.

I have been working on the book for 1-1/2 years.  At first, it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write.  I had fear every single time.  But somewhere along the way, I began to trust God, myself and the process.  Now I look forward to writing, and that’s one reason for starting this blog (besides wanting to hear your comments and questions and hoping to respond as well).

And why am I writing this blog now?  Because I finished writing my book this week! Thank you God, Mike Foley and the women in my writing group.  Now I have to take the action of finding the agent and publisher that God wants me to find.  As in everything else, I do the footwork and leave the results to God.

Please post your comments and questions.  If you want to e-mail me, you will find me at judith@drjsgodline.com.