Dr. Judith’s God Line

He surely knew I was hurting, confused, and sad.   I had asked for His help over and over.  So why did He take so long? He always answers prayers, but often not in our time.

I was listening to a teaching by Thomas Keating on the story of Lazarus.  Jesus’ great friends, Martha and Mary, let Jesus know that their brother Lazurus was VERY ill, and they begged Him to come.  Now we know from scripture that Jesus didn’t need to be present to perform a healing miracle.  He could have just said a quick prayer to His father, and it would have been done.  But instead, He not only didn’t heal Lazarus from afar, he actually didn’t even head to Bethany until four days later, after Lazarus was dead, buried and rotting.  Why even bother?  Lazarus couldn’t be saved, and Bethany had become very unsafe for Jesus.

The obvious answer, according to this teacher, was that Jesus could perform the greater miracle in raising Lazarus from the dead under circumstances that led no room for question.  He was definitely dead!  Also, this dying , being in the tomb for several days and rising is a precursor of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  Now people would know such a thing was possible so it would be easier to accept the resurrection.

Scripture stories are often layered just as our lives are often more complex than meets the eye.  In this preaching, Fr. Keating goes on to say that God often waits until the moment is ripe in our lives for us to learn deeper and more important lessons than we might have if He acted at the first moment we asked for help.  In the case of this popular story, at least three people benefited personally from the delay.   Martha who liked to dictate how things should go, even to the point of meddling; Mary who loved Jesus in a deeply contemplative way to the point that she never took necessary action; and perhaps Lazarus who may have had too much pride or too little faith to ask for his own healing.  (Forgive me, Father Keating , if I’m getting your presentation a bit muddled.)

The learning for each person in the story had to do with giving up of character defects, which are manufactured by the false self, or ego (which stands for edging God out) to defend us from the worldly dangers which would destroy it.  We have to die to self to be truly free.  And God waits until the time is right for us to be willing to let go and let Him be in charge.

All of this has been proven over and over in my life.  I still hold on unnecessarily to my defensive ego, but I am getting better and better with more life experience.  For years, I wanted to write a book.  I knew, in a general way, what I wanted to write about.  My surrogate mom and spiritual guide had taught me many sayings and methods to help me grow spiritually and emotionally.  I had learned to use her teachings effectively, not only in my own life, but to help friends and patients in their lives.  Over and over, through the years, I made a list of these sayings or methods, but that’s as far as I ever got.  I had too much fear of that empty piece of paper.   It took me a long time to realize that the fear was really my false self feeding up a dual dose of ego.  On the one hand, I was afraid that my writing wouldn’t be any good and no one would want to read it.  On the other hand, I both craved attention and recognition, and I was afraid that, if I got it, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I feared I would have nothing of value to say or that no one would be interested in what I wrote, that it would help no one and I would be wasting my time.  I was ashamed of my lack of faith which kept me from even trying.

Fear and ego distorted my true reasons for writing: honoring my second mom Ruthie and the many others who have contributed to my spiritual and emotional freedom throughout my life,  helping others to know God in a way that they too could become free of ego, bringing others back to God and most of all, celebrating my deep love and gratitude to God and His unending love for me.

It took a period of intense burnout in my professional life and my trying many different paths to change what I was doing with no success.  It took God apparently saying “no” over and over to all my plans which were based on security needs, rather than any true desire to follow those paths.  It took a moment of clarity to realize that I had to follow the desires of my heart and the Spirit within if I wanted to be cured of the anger, stress and futility that I was feeling in my life.  And it was at the moment when I was ready to let go and let God that I was finally able to listen. God reminded me through a friend of mine that I had always wanted to write a book. Maybe this was the time. After all, this pursuit was close to my heart.

In April, 2006, I enrolled in a creative non-fiction writing class and began to write.  A year and a half later, after many more bouts of fear and surrender, I the book was written.  Then I had to let go once again as I tried to find an agent or publisher.  It was entirely possible that the entire lesson and gift was in the writing itself.    In the fall of 2007, after many rejections, I began to visualize  an offer arriving from a publisher or agent by Christmas.  It was the day after Christmas when I got the call from my editor at Hazelden with an offer to publish the book which was then called Hanging Out With God.  He told me it would be scheduled for March, 2008.

More surrenders.  Changing the title, making God more accessible to a wider audience for God as each of you understands God, learning to wait and then wait some more.  Once the editing was done, it was in the hands of the marketers and publicist.  What, I couldn’t be in charge and dictate what they do?  Oh, I forgot again.  It’s God’s book, not mine.  The outcome is His.

I’ve been directed by the Hazelden team, who have gotten everything right so far (Of course they did. After all, didn’t God choose them?), to learn social networking so I could let everyone know about the book.  I have by now almost fully entered the twenty-first century.  I am on My Space, Facebook, and I am learning to Twitter.  In two weeks, I will be the no doubt befuddled owner of a Blackberry Storm, trying to tweet the word:

God wrote a book under my name.  It is called God:  A Relationship Guide.  It is available now on the web sites of Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and Hazelden (www.hazelden.org). And sometime this week, you will be able to order it on this site by clicking on the picture of the book cover.

All of this has happened in the fullness of time.  The yeast had to rise and leaven before the baking could be done.

I don’t know what would have happened if God had fixed my burnout sooner, but I’m pretty sure that waiting for the miracle to happen was worth it.
How has God made you wait in your life? Can you see the benefit?