Dr. Judith’s God Line

Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Many years ago, when I was young in my spiritual path, I had the idea that if I just loved God enough and followed the directions I was given to improve my daily conscious contact with Him, I would no longer have to go through depression, anxiety, anger or even hard times.  I was horrified when I heard people who had been on a spiritual path for ten or fifteen years talk about struggles with disappointment, hurt, or regret.  I guess I thought that I could rise above human pain, and I would have a smooth ride.  This is what I call the over-the-hill fantasy.  If I can just get over the top of this hill, it will be smooth sailing from here on.  WRONG!

Here I am, thirty plus years later, and I still have bouts with the so-called negative emotions.  The difference is they don’t frighten me anymore.  I get really ragged around the edges, but I know that my core is solid.  I recognize that, whether I take active steps in the middle of the pain or I get caught up in it, thus postponing action, I will not only get past the darkness of the moment, but I will also grow in the process.  Sooner or later, I will have the flood of relief and joy when I can once again have an attitude of gratitude.

I have a friend who says that it is impossible to feel angry and grateful at the same time.  So whenever he begins to  feel frustration and irritability building toward anger, he tries to find something to be grateful for.  This attitude of gratitude changes the negative emotion and frees him to consider more rationally the cause.  This is the optimal choice since it minimizes the time spent in emotional turmoil.  One way or another, if he or you or I are going to benefit from the period of pain and trial, we must take the time to understand its significance and why we reacted as we did.

The last time I wrote, I was deep into the throes of depression, anxiety and irritability.  I felt completely out of control.  Nevertheless, I took time to do some writing, praying, and talking to others so that I could understand what was going on with me.  The official publication date of my new book was rapidly approaching.  However, it seemed anti-climactic since it was somehow already available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.  I began to feel like a pregnant woman who was past due, but no one was willing to induce labor.  I was filled with fear and anxiety about whether the book (my baby) would be well received, whether I was up to carrying off the marketing tasks required without significant help and guidance.  In other words, would the baby be birthed safely ,and after birth, would I be able to carry off its proper care and feeding?  I had hopes and dreams for this child of mine, conceived in the mind of God and seemingly written with His help.  I longed to see this child inspire people  to find God or a Higher Power, reestablish broken relationships with Him or find deeper intimacy with Him.  But I long ago learned how dangerous it is for me to outline for God or get overly attached to my plan.

It was important for me to understand all that was going on with me if I were to find my way out of the darkness into the light.  Understanding came first, followed by acceptance and willingness to let go.  But I could not have truly surrendered without going through this process.  And now, having let go and let God, I am free, full of joy and immensely grateful.

I hope and pray that when you feel burdened, you don’[t blame yourself, feel like you are doing something wrong–not praying enough or being faithful enough, not following your spiritual path the right way.  Emotions are just an invitation to look within and learn, with the help of your Higher Power and friends.  They provide an opportunity to grow and mature and bear much fruit.  So pray for the courage to face the feelings and learn from them.  And you will emerge with an attitude of gratitude that chases all the pain away.

Are your afraid of your emotions?  Do you feel guilty, like you’re failing in faith when you are angry, anxious or down? Please share your stories, comments or questions.

Peace,

Dr. Judith

He surely knew I was hurting, confused, and sad.   I had asked for His help over and over.  So why did He take so long? He always answers prayers, but often not in our time.

I was listening to a teaching by Thomas Keating on the story of Lazarus.  Jesus’ great friends, Martha and Mary, let Jesus know that their brother Lazurus was VERY ill, and they begged Him to come.  Now we know from scripture that Jesus didn’t need to be present to perform a healing miracle.  He could have just said a quick prayer to His father, and it would have been done.  But instead, He not only didn’t heal Lazarus from afar, he actually didn’t even head to Bethany until four days later, after Lazarus was dead, buried and rotting.  Why even bother?  Lazarus couldn’t be saved, and Bethany had become very unsafe for Jesus.

The obvious answer, according to this teacher, was that Jesus could perform the greater miracle in raising Lazarus from the dead under circumstances that led no room for question.  He was definitely dead!  Also, this dying , being in the tomb for several days and rising is a precursor of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  Now people would know such a thing was possible so it would be easier to accept the resurrection.

Scripture stories are often layered just as our lives are often more complex than meets the eye.  In this preaching, Fr. Keating goes on to say that God often waits until the moment is ripe in our lives for us to learn deeper and more important lessons than we might have if He acted at the first moment we asked for help.  In the case of this popular story, at least three people benefited personally from the delay.   Martha who liked to dictate how things should go, even to the point of meddling; Mary who loved Jesus in a deeply contemplative way to the point that she never took necessary action; and perhaps Lazarus who may have had too much pride or too little faith to ask for his own healing.  (Forgive me, Father Keating , if I’m getting your presentation a bit muddled.)

The learning for each person in the story had to do with giving up of character defects, which are manufactured by the false self, or ego (which stands for edging God out) to defend us from the worldly dangers which would destroy it.  We have to die to self to be truly free.  And God waits until the time is right for us to be willing to let go and let Him be in charge.

All of this has been proven over and over in my life.  I still hold on unnecessarily to my defensive ego, but I am getting better and better with more life experience.  For years, I wanted to write a book.  I knew, in a general way, what I wanted to write about.  My surrogate mom and spiritual guide had taught me many sayings and methods to help me grow spiritually and emotionally.  I had learned to use her teachings effectively, not only in my own life, but to help friends and patients in their lives.  Over and over, through the years, I made a list of these sayings or methods, but that’s as far as I ever got.  I had too much fear of that empty piece of paper.   It took me a long time to realize that the fear was really my false self feeding up a dual dose of ego.  On the one hand, I was afraid that my writing wouldn’t be any good and no one would want to read it.  On the other hand, I both craved attention and recognition, and I was afraid that, if I got it, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I feared I would have nothing of value to say or that no one would be interested in what I wrote, that it would help no one and I would be wasting my time.  I was ashamed of my lack of faith which kept me from even trying.

Fear and ego distorted my true reasons for writing: honoring my second mom Ruthie and the many others who have contributed to my spiritual and emotional freedom throughout my life,  helping others to know God in a way that they too could become free of ego, bringing others back to God and most of all, celebrating my deep love and gratitude to God and His unending love for me.

It took a period of intense burnout in my professional life and my trying many different paths to change what I was doing with no success.  It took God apparently saying “no” over and over to all my plans which were based on security needs, rather than any true desire to follow those paths.  It took a moment of clarity to realize that I had to follow the desires of my heart and the Spirit within if I wanted to be cured of the anger, stress and futility that I was feeling in my life.  And it was at the moment when I was ready to let go and let God that I was finally able to listen. God reminded me through a friend of mine that I had always wanted to write a book. Maybe this was the time. After all, this pursuit was close to my heart.

In April, 2006, I enrolled in a creative non-fiction writing class and began to write.  A year and a half later, after many more bouts of fear and surrender, I the book was written.  Then I had to let go once again as I tried to find an agent or publisher.  It was entirely possible that the entire lesson and gift was in the writing itself.    In the fall of 2007, after many rejections, I began to visualize  an offer arriving from a publisher or agent by Christmas.  It was the day after Christmas when I got the call from my editor at Hazelden with an offer to publish the book which was then called Hanging Out With God.  He told me it would be scheduled for March, 2008.

More surrenders.  Changing the title, making God more accessible to a wider audience for God as each of you understands God, learning to wait and then wait some more.  Once the editing was done, it was in the hands of the marketers and publicist.  What, I couldn’t be in charge and dictate what they do?  Oh, I forgot again.  It’s God’s book, not mine.  The outcome is His.

I’ve been directed by the Hazelden team, who have gotten everything right so far (Of course they did. After all, didn’t God choose them?), to learn social networking so I could let everyone know about the book.  I have by now almost fully entered the twenty-first century.  I am on My Space, Facebook, and I am learning to Twitter.  In two weeks, I will be the no doubt befuddled owner of a Blackberry Storm, trying to tweet the word:

God wrote a book under my name.  It is called God:  A Relationship Guide.  It is available now on the web sites of Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and Hazelden (www.hazelden.org). And sometime this week, you will be able to order it on this site by clicking on the picture of the book cover.

All of this has happened in the fullness of time.  The yeast had to rise and leaven before the baking could be done.

I don’t know what would have happened if God had fixed my burnout sooner, but I’m pretty sure that waiting for the miracle to happen was worth it.
How has God made you wait in your life? Can you see the benefit?

I have noticed how easy it is for me to say, “I can’t” because I am afraid that I can’t.  A whole lot of things remain undone when I slip into that sort of thinking.

The most recent instance of this has to do with a brochure that I wanted to get done.  I am starting a group called “Write Your Spiritual Autobiography”.   I want people to know that I am doing this or, obviously,  I won’t be doing it.  With my spiritual mind, I wholeheartedly believe the saying, “Build the field and the people will come”.   But my human mind counters truth with thoughtless and idiotic comments like, Who are you kidding?  You don’t know how to do this.  People will never pay for it.  It won’t be any good. And so on and so on.  Forget that I have credentials up the wazoo and that God is in charge.  I just get doubtful.  And that is part of the human condition.

I try to put my fears aside and proceed with the brochure.  I have Microsoft Publisher on my computer.  I open it up and stare at it.  I decide it is written in Greek or Chinese.  I can’t possibly make sense of it.  I head off to Barnes and Noble to check out books on using this program.  After 45 agonizing minutes, I finally make a choice and go home to figure out what to do.  Well, maybe I should read it first.  I go over and over the very few pages that have to do with creating a brochure, feel overwhelmed and quit.

A few days later, I was telling a friend about the problem.  She told me she had a great program for making brochures, and she showed me how easy it was to use.  I obtained a copy of this program, opened it,  and I was immediately swamped with the same confusion as I had experienced with Publisher.

I believe that confusion is a feeling that serves the purpose of keeping us from making decisions we don’t want to make or taking actions we don’t want to take.  Confusion is paralyzing, and I am convinced it is fear-based.  So the question I must ask myself is What is my confusion about?  What am I afraid of? Surely, it is not just whether I can figure out the computer program.  No,it had much more to do with the fears I mentioned before.  That is, Am I actually competent enough to be of service to others through the facilitation of this Spiritual Autobiography group?

What to do about my paralysis?  Take it to God, of course.  Wasn’t this His idea in the first place?  Why am I getting so ego- involved?  Have I forgotten that “Of myself,  I am nothing.  The Father does the work.”?  I have this wonderful bit of scripture engraved on a piece of wood and keep it hanging on the wall above my diplomas as a constant reminder of the true order of things.

Just after I begged Him for help, I was reading an article that was metaphysical in nature.  Through this writing, I was reminded that God is within me.  If I allowed the Holy Spirit  to think and express through my heart, He would.  The next day when I opened the Publisher program, I affirmed  with deep belief  God within me will create the right brochure so that I can proceed in doing His work. The fear left me and,  amazingly,  I was able to figure out the previously mumbo-jumbo computerese.  It took a few sessions and a question or two directed at my computer literate friend, but my mind was cleared and the task got done.

Does confusion ever block your good?  Has anxiety ever kept you from trying things?  God can always help.  Share your stories in the comments section.  Or, if you have any questions about things you are facing, ask away.  I will answer your requests.

I have always had a fear of an empty piece of paper.  This means that I am sure that when I try to write something, my mind will be free of all worthwhile thoughts.  Have you ever experienced this?  It can really cripple you.

For years, I really wanted to write a book.  I wanted to write about the many sayings and memorable expressions I had picked up through the years which I’ve used to help myself, my friends and my patients.  From time to time I ‘d sit down and write a list of these expressions.  Then I’d put them aside and forget about them.

I even had a title for this book:  God’s Wife and Other Teachers Along the Way.  This was meant to honor my second mom and friend Ruthie who taught me most of what I know about being a responsible adult and spiritual being.  Our friends jokingly called her God’s wife because of her wisdom and humility.  And, of course, there have been many other teachers along the way.  I thought this was a very catchy title, and I’d tell my friends, or anyone else who would listen, about this book that I was going to write one day.  That was about as far as it got.

It wasn’t just writing a book that was the problem.  It was a paper for school, a report for work, a talk I had to give.  When I sat down to write something, I could feel anxiety rising, and I would find a million other things to do.  Often I’d accomplish other things I had been putting off, anything but write.  Sometimes I would “whirl and twirl”, doing a bunch of nothing, calling friends, talking to someone in the office, going on a quick shopping spree or eating something I didn’t need or want to eat.  Finally, I’d sit down and do the work, and it always turned out well.

When I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate, I became paralyzed.  For the first and only time in my life, I wrote a song (something that should have been far more threatening to me than doing work I knew something about).  It was called the 12-Bar Dissertation Blues.  It had lyrics that went, “Clean the closet, clean the floor, try to think, what a bore—”  It was all about the myriad of ways that I avoided doing the required work, or even sitting down to try.

I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist gave me an assignment.  I was supposed to write one minute at a time, five times a day.  Then I was to write down the results for each day in the week on a 3×5″ card and turn it in to him.  For weeks on end, my report reflected 0 minutes per day for the full week.  Slowly however, I began to do days with 5 minutes or 20 minutes.  After eight or nine months had passed, my cards reflected 30 hours of work on my dissertation per week.  It had become a full time job!  After I was done, my therapist gave me a framed collage of my 3×5″ cards to remind me that the writing was a process.  I should focus on the process, not the results.  But, I can’t tell you how much I dislike process, even to this day.  I want to get there without having to go through the journey.  I want the outcome so I don’t have to think about whether the project is any good.  Even if it’s bad, at least I’d know.

Fast forward 25 years, and I find myself enrolled in a Creative Non-Fiction Writing class at the University of California, Riverside extension  program.  I still wanted to write that book which I had been talking about for 7 or 8 years by then.  I explained to the teacher Mike Foley that it wasn’t even writer’s block; it was starter’s block!

The first thing Mike suggested that I do is write out my sayings and try to organize them into categories.  The next week I returned and said I had two main groups of expressions, one spiritual in nature, the other psychological.  He asked which I most wanted to work with, and I answered, without hesitation, spiritual.  I wanted to talk about God.  I then divided the spiritual phrases into general topic areas.

Finally, I had to write.  I freaked out.  Same old stuff–fear of the empty piece of paper.  Mike then offered one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard,

“You must give yourself absolute permission to write absolute junk.“

Actually, he didn’t say “junk”.  I wrote this as an affirmation in my notebook, and it has given me absolute freedom.

Whenever I sat down to write, I prayed first.  Lord, let the Holy Spirit write through me onto the page. At first, I could only write in longhand.  If I tried to write on the computer, I got stuck.  I bought a laptop so that I could go to the local coffee shop and write.  I got the hang of that after awhile, and the sign-in title of my laptop is “My book is for God’s Glory” to remind myself of the true bottom line (not that I would mind worldly fame and fortune).

The book took on a life of its own.  By the beginning of the next quarter, I was able to write an outline.  The five other women in my class became my support group, and after three quarters of writing for the class, we now meet on our own on a weekly basis.  Sometimes Mike comes to join us and give us guidance.  I don’t think I would have ever gotten anywhere without the gentle and wise criticism and encouragement of this group.  We have all improved immeasurably as writers and having the weekly group as an accountability check has kept us writing on a regular basis.

The title of my book is Hanging Out With God:  A Relationship Guide.  It compares a relationship with God to a lifelong friendship or love relationship.  It starts with looking for Him in all the wrong places, progresses to meeting Him, getting to know, trust and love Him.  Then it talks about making a commitment to Him, discovering that the road isn’t always easy, thinking about quitting, then recommitting and emerging into a mature relationship.  Like a marriage, huh?  The book includes a lot of my personal experiences plus the sayings and a how to section in each chapter.

I have been working on the book for 1-1/2 years.  At first, it was like pulling teeth to sit down and write.  I had fear every single time.  But somewhere along the way, I began to trust God, myself and the process.  Now I look forward to writing, and that’s one reason for starting this blog (besides wanting to hear your comments and questions and hoping to respond as well).

And why am I writing this blog now?  Because I finished writing my book this week! Thank you God, Mike Foley and the women in my writing group.  Now I have to take the action of finding the agent and publisher that God wants me to find.  As in everything else, I do the footwork and leave the results to God.

Please post your comments and questions.  If you want to e-mail me, you will find me at judith@drjsgodline.com.

A friend was sharing with me some of the hardships she and her family have faced over the last several months.

First, a traumatic event occurred which caused her to experience panic attacks. She was unable to go to work, and for awhile, she had trouble leaving home.

This situation caused some financial hardships, but she could see that her two elementary school age kids were enjoying and benefiting from having her around.

As time went on, financial problems worsened. She was unable to go back to work at the same location due to her fears. She was getting better, experiencing fewer and fewer panic attacks, but she and her husband were unable to make their mortgage payments. Eventually, they had to move to a place closer to his work to save gas money.

And so it went, disappointment after disappointment, roadblock after roadblock.
Bankruptcy ensued, causing feelings of shame and humiliation. Then disability ran out.

Her children both expressed an interest in acting during this time. As long as she could not work, she was able to accompany them to auditions. This was also possible because they had had to move closer to where auditions were held. They had given up their two cars and now had one that was economical on gas. She was able to drop her husband off at work and head out with the kids. The children now have a manager/agent and appear to be on their way. In the meantime, they have also learned the value of everyone contributing his/her part to the family unit , and they each Understand that love and family are more important than things.

With each loss, my friend, her husband and children picked themselves up and made a new plan. Her husband got an extra job for awhile. They sold most of what they own.

She is now ready to return to work, at least part-time.

Throughout, she has held on to faith that God has a reason for the hardships they have experienced. There were lessons to be learned. He had a plan.

She said to me, “Instead of asking God, ‘Why?’, I just ask Him what do You want me to learn from this?”

What courage and humility she has had!

Are you caught up in asking “Why God? Why me?” Or do you ask what He wants you to learn?

Comment on your experiences.

If you have a question, e-mail me at judith@drjsgodline.com