Dr. Judith’s God Line

Posts Tagged ‘self-will’

Just in case I thought I was cured of all my shortcomings, I’ve been reminded of what happens when I fall for the illusion of having control over my life and the outcome of my plans.

Forty days ago, I decided what kind of  lent I was going to have.  Note the I decided. First mistake right there.  Whenever I get into planning and attached to the outcome, I’m bound for Trouble with a capital “T”.

I was going to spend a lot of time with God.  I was going to have two prayer periods each day.  It was going to be centering prayer, and I was going to give God the opportunity to talk to me while I listened.  Big of me, huh?  It was going to be gloriously peaceful and joyous.  And when it was over, I’d be able to tell you how well I’d done, how faithful I’d been and how good I felt about myself keeping this promise to God.

What’s the saying?  Man (or woman) plans and God laughs.

Instead of all that great  and generous tithing of my time to God, my plan fell apart after two or three days.  I was thrown into a tempest of self-will run riot.  And I didn’t settle down into quiet prayer until Palm Sunday–one week before Easter.  And even then, it was hit or miss for the rest of the week, right up to today–Easter Sunday.    So what happened?

I became anxious about the upcoming publication of my book.  I was afraid that no one would read it and no one would benefit from it.  Dire fear of failure overtook me.  Forget the fact that I would never have been able to write it without God’s help.  It’s His book and the outcome is His.  But wait, I also have a great need for attention.  What if I’m interviewed and I have nothing to say or I sound like an idiot?  What if people notice me and expect me to be spiritual and holy all the time?

I became irritable, restless and discontent.  I had trouble sleeping, and when I’m tired, I’m not easy to be around.  I was becoming critical, bossy and judgmental.  I started to feel insecure, unsure of how to do anything right, especially anything new.  I wanted someone to tell me how to use Facebook and Twitter effectively, what to say for U-Tube.  Hold my hand and walk me through.  Feeling so insecure and dependent, I was certain that Hazelden’s marketer and publicist were going to leave me in the dust and not give me the help and attention that I needed.  If they weren’t giving me their time, they’d be giving it to the other authors in the spring line-up.  And one of them did a fabulous U-Tube presentation–intelligent, personable and not a single um or er!  I’d never be able to do as good a job as she did.  Competitiveness got added to the list of old familiar defects.

A hundred forms of self were rearing their ugly heads.  And each time a new one showed up, it brought along one or two others I hadn’t entertained so enthusiastically in a long time.  I don’t know why this should have surprised me.  When I’m stressed, I try to control my life.  God falls by the wayside, and I replace Him with my pitifully defensive ego.  When I’m stressed, I don’t act like Sue or Jane or Joe or Sam.  I act like myself, and the character defects show themselves in ways that are my old ways, not yours.

The solution is always the same.  Put myself and the book God helped me to write in His kind and loving hands.  Surrender.  Remember that I am powerless.  All I can do is the next indicated thing and leave the results to God.

Maybe it was His plan that I spend the lenten season buffeted by the winds of ego so I’d remember that He loves me and has a plan for me.  When I life put Him first, I begin to relax and know that as the mystic Julian of Norwich said, “All will be well. All manner of things will be well.”

Today I put a copy of our book, God: A Relationship Guide at the foot of the cross in my family room.  I am expressing gratitude for all He has done for me and leaving the outcome to Him.  Perhaps my Higher Power isn’t the only one having a resurrection on this Easter Sunday.

It’s hard to believe that 2009 has begun.

There is so much wrong in the world, it seems.  I am often asked how a good God could allow the carnage on the Gaza strip, starvation/genocide in Darfur, and more personal tragedies such as death of a child, loss of a home or job, abuse of an innocent child, or unremitting pain during a long term illness.  The thing is I don’t believe He causes these things.

It seems to me that He took a huge risk when He offered us the gift of free will.  I have no doubt that He could have created a bunch of love slaves, having us bow down in adoration and awe, blowing Him kisses and being unable to do anything wrong.l  But then, we would have been a bunch of robots.

He loves us unconditionally regardless of the good or bad choices that we make, and I think He probably values our unconditional love in return.  Which makes the question of all the pain and suffering in the world even more relevant.  How are we supposed to love Him without condition when we think He performs so badly, unreasonably, unfairly or worse, cruelly?  Again, the only answer has to be that His performance has more to do with how He supports us and sees us through the pain, how He helps us to grow and mature, being pruned and refined by the suffering.

Surely, we mortals have then ability to prevent a great deal of wrong.  Haven’t we got the resources to feed the less fortunate?  Can’t we offer health care, vaccinations, education to nations, societies, cultures that don’t have the skills, wealth, manpower or knowledge to prevent or control disease?  Don’t we have the ability and capacity for empathy to understand differing points of view so that individuals and nations and faiths  and political beliefs can live side by side in peace?  How do we manage to deny that God has made us protectors and stewards of this amazing planet and that we have the responsibility to protect it?  What makes us think that people who carry out unthinkable evil haven’t themselves experienced the same in their own lives or that their deeds don’t come from internal demons or illness of their own? Why won’t we recognize that others, even the seemingly worst of us, need and yearn for love and understanding just as much as each of us does?

To me, these are the questions that God knows we can answer.  I believe it must hurt His heart deeply to see how His world and His children have devolved into selfishness and self-centeredness to the point that we neglect, harm or just plain forget others whether they are our family, friends, co-workers, members of our church or civic community, fellow citizens of our nation or our world.

As any parent has painfully discovered, we can’t keep our kids from hurt or pain and we can’t protect them from making often serious mistakes.  If they are ever to grow up, we must let them go and experience their own journey, fraught with danger whether it is from an emotional, physical or spiritual cause.  As hard as it is to let go of our one or several children, imagine how it must be for God.  On any given day, He has to let a billion or so of His kids go forth on their own adventure.  He steps aside, giving us the dignity to fail on our own and waiting for us to turn to Him to grow and change, becoming multi-faceted beams of hope and proof of His ever present care and love.

May you find faith during your journey in 2009, and may you be willing to believe in, test out, and find comfort in His love.

Happy New Year.